Chanukah party. When i entered my old house, I was greeted with the news that my god father had fallen on the one step out side the front door andhit his head unconscious. The paramedics were called and took him away. He's a frail, sick old man, and my immediate thought was that he had died; which is always my immediate thought when i hear someone's in the hospital. The party otherwise, was surprisingly fun. I only received one awkward question about my lack of schooling and work.
I constantly forget that people deeply care about me.
I visited him in the hospital today. When i saw his body a calmness overtook mine. I felt so much compassion, and the desire to nurture. I rubbed his papery skin. I sang him a lullaby. He tried to speak but his words were slurred and his mouth hung slack like a dirty wound. I smelled his breath and it was sour. He continued to try to speak and cried somewhat. I felt boundless love in brief diluting waves. A sentient lump that pees through a tube, poops in a bag, drinks mush through a straw; aware of its own dementia.
I end the day with the bakage of vegan muffcakes and the equivalent o musical porn. Loud, loud chorus heart beats of bellowing brass, and i always go to the insignificance of my own state. My two roving eyes.




i am a special special girl
i am a special special special special special girl

bruises on my knees

depressed day turned manic
pressure pulsing behind my eyeballs
painted on weariness from a compact mirror

Indifference


I SAID,—for Love was laggard, O, Love was slow to come,—
“I’ll hear his step and know his step when I am warm in bed;
But I’ll never leave my pillow, though there be some
As would let him in—and take him in with tears!” I said.
I lay,—for Love was laggard, O, he came not until dawn,—
I lay and listened for his step and could not get to sleep;
And he found me at my window with my big cloak on,
All sorry with the tears some folks might weep!